How to be Boring: A Short Guide Courtesy of Dorothy Parker and Sinclair Lewis

This week, I’ll forgo my usual wordy and overwrought blog posts that begin ambitiously enough and never really live up to their true potential. Instead, I have only one thing to say, as a kind of public service announcement to the world:

If you want to sound boring and/or dull, just repeat everything someone says back to them.

Both Dorothy Parker and Sinclair Lewis agree. Take, for instance, Such a Pretty Little Picture. I’ll transcribe the conversation that occurs between Mrs. Wheelock and Mrs. Coles, which should properly illustrate the epitome of dreadfully dull conversation:

Mrs. Coles: Fred and I are taking a little constitutional before supper.
Mrs. Wheelock: Oh, taking a little constitutional?
Mrs. Coles: Yes, just taking a little constitutional before supper.

In just three lines, both characters have firmly established that neither have a shred of personality among them. It’s quite efficient, really. In three short lines, I as the reader know that I would never, under any circumstances want to talk to either of these two boring ladies. It usually takes at least a few hours before one can really judge a person like that, but to find a way to speed along that process of dislike and personal scorn is commendable.

Sinclair Lewis’ Babbitt is full of awkward and tedious conversations such as this, and Babbitt is the very embodiment of a boring and dull personality. Here is one good example in Chapter 3 when Babbitt discusses politics with Littlefield, his neighbor:

Babbitt: Say, old man, what do you think about the Republican candidate? Who’ll they nominate for President? Don’t you think it’s about time we had a real business administration?
Littlefield: In my opinion, what the country needs, first and foremost, is a good, sound, business-like conduct of its affairs. What we need is – a business administration!
Babbitt: I’m glad to hear you say that! I certainly am glad to hear you say that! I didn’t know how you’d felt about it, with all your associations with colleges and so on, and I’m glad you feel that way. What the country needs – just at this present juncture – is neither a college president nor a lot of monkeying with foreign affairs, but a good – sound – economical – business – administration…

This example is less efficient than Parker’s, but it balances this out by being even more awkward and boring. It takes us longer to get there, but we’re positive by the end that neither of these gentlemen would be interesting to hold a conversation with.

This is a simple and effective way, as both Lewis and Parker prove, to characterize someone as dull. Not necessarily unlikable, but mind-numbingly boring (for better or worse). It’s put to good use throughout Parker’s work and throughout Babbitt, providing further support for this claim.

In short, if you enjoy having a social life and friends, do everything in your power to avoid absolutely anything and everything resembling either of the conversations presented above.

Good luck.